Kellybeans!

Hello.

I am so fucking hungry.  And it’s not that I am not eating… 22 daily Weight Watchers points isn’t a small amount of food.  It’s just that I am craving stuff that is bad for me delicious.  Like warm, fudgy brownies.  Or a whole effing box of pasta, with some fresh grated cheese and olive oil.  Oh, or doritos.  Fuck yes.  Doritos would just about give me an orgasm in my mouth right now.  (Oh, I can’t wait to see the Google searches that sentence will bring in).

It might sound like I am doing badly, but actually I am hanging in there.  I’ve worked out every single day except for Saturday.  I’ve followed my meal plan and mostly done well with it.  I’m obsessively picking out recipes to try and searching for zero point snacks.  My favorite? Sugar free jello with fat free whipped topping.  Zero points and a pseudo-sugar-fix.  I just polished off a bowl of it before starting this entry.  Yum.

I just hope that I see some results for my efforts, both in the exercise and diet departments.  I hope I am not one of those women whose bodies hold on to every ounce of fat because of nursing, because the cave woman in my genes is preparing for some sort of famine.  I guess I can only keep going and see how things progress.

I took a couple of “before” photos, in a bikini no less.  But I’m reserving the right to withhold them for now.  Believe me, you should be saying thank you.  I may post them 8 (shit! 7-ish!) weeks from now with the promised “after” shot, for comparison’s sake.  We’ll see how brave I’m feeling.

See you on Thursday for the weigh-in!

And check out my new Thin Thursday page  for updates and the blogs of those who are joining me in my starvation weight loss quest!

i am typing with only one hand tonight.

my little boy woke up crying, but nothing seemed to help him calm down.  he’d curl onto my shoulder and sleep, but the minute i put him down he’d cry and reach for me.

now he’s in bed next to mama, while daddy is out getting his new game (grand theft auto on sale at midnight).  baby snuggled next to me, not making a peep.  i stroked his hair for a while and then he grabbed my finger with his plump little fist and drifted off to dreamland.

he still hasn’t let go.  and i won’t move my fingers from his grip until he decides to.  even if it means typing one handed and taking forever to write this.

i think i’m gonna look back and miss these days.

I’m now on day 2 of my Thin Thursday quest.  So far, it’s working the way that I hoped it would.  Every time I wanted to cram something in my mouth that wasn’t good for me, I remembered what I posted here, and the fact that I’m putting a picture of my (currently) fat ass up here for ya’ll to see in just eight short weeks.  (WTF was I smoking when I came up with that fabulous idea?)

Really, though… knowing that I have some measure of accountability is helping me so far.  Wanna know what I ate yesterday?  It’s wayyy better than my normal diet:

• Oatmeal w/ a half cup of milk
• Half an orange
• Weight Watchers frozen meal for lunch
• Apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter
• 100 calorie popcorn mini bag
• 70 calories of mini rice cakes
• Dinner: Steak, grilled veggies and some baked potato
• Orange for dessert

Definitely not perfect (should probably have had less for dinner, and I need to reduce my snacking a little) but it’s a far cry from what I usually eat.  I’m thinking that I might join WW online, especially so I can plan on healthier dinners.

On the exercise front, I went on a 30 minute run/walk with Aiden in his jogging stroller.  I am feeling it today.  Ow! 

Thank you all for your supportive comments!  It’s nice to know that you’re rooting me on.  And a few of you have mentioned that you wanna jump on the weightloss bandwagon (if you’re not already doing so).  Frema is gonna be a weightloss buddy for me, and Melissa even offered to post her own swimsuit pic in 8 weeks!  Anyone else wanna join us?  If you want to just dedicate yourself to losing weight and would rather not post a picture, that’s cool too.  It’s just my way of keeping myself accountable.

This could turn into something like Shape of a Mother (which I love, but you will not see random flashes of boob and bush in MY photos on my website, thankyouverymuch). 

So, let me know if you want to join us!  Leave a comment here and post on your own blog!  Strength in numbers and all that jazz.  I’m off to join WW and get in a run with Aiden before I have to work on a magazine article today.  Have a great Friday and an even better weekend!

xo

I’ve been struggling with this issue for a while and finally decided that I need to air out my thoughts here.  Normally this blog functions as a digital diary for me, since I stink at keeping a handwritten journal.  But now, I need to use this blog for something more than just ‘can you believe my kid did this? ‘ or ‘omg here are the details of my bikini wax… never ever subjecting my girlie bits to that again!”

So here’s the deal.  I have mentioned a couple of times that I really would like to lose some weight.  It’s really nothing too drastic, about 15-20 pounds, but I have been thinking about this for a while.  I’m not one to call myself fat, but I haven’t been happy with my body for a while.  I mean, I just re-read my “about me” page and a huge chunk of it seems focused on the fact that I just ain’t what I used to be.  And just what did I “used to be?” 

I know women generally don’t like to divulge their weights, unless they are skinny bitches who are just sharing the numbers to make the rest of us feel like ungainly cows.  But I’m putting the numbers out there so you see what I mean.

Here are the stats:

Age 12: 140ish lbs.  I was never a skinny kid.

Age 14: 115 lbs. (Thank you, puberty, and a summer riding horses non-stop)

Age 21: 120 lbs (when I won Miss Maryland in June)

Age 21:  114 lbs (my fighting weight at Miss America in September, and I was ripped.  I have never been so muscular and fit, ever.)

Age 22:  125 lbs.  (at my wedding, and I felt good. I wasn’t working out like a fiend, I ate mostly what I wanted, and I like how I look in my wedding pics.)

Age 26: 130 lbs.  (when I got pregnant with Aiden.  I thought I was a little bit out of shape, but not terribly so.)

Age 27: 185 lbs. (I gained 55 pounds during my pregnancy.  This was my final weight before giving birth.)

Age 28: 146 lbs.

So, yep.  I just told you the number that I won’t even share with my husband.  I now weigh 146 pounds.  For a woman who’s only 5′2″, that’s not great.  I just don’t feel good, and I hate the fat on my arms and the muffin top and the rolls around my middle when I sit down. 

Yet, as much as I dislike the body I have right now, I haven’t done a damn thing about it!  I’ve been mentioning for months that I want to lose some weight.  But have I committed myself to actually doing that?  Noooooo.

I start to work out, but I am truly lazy and if something needs to be cut from my schedule, it’s my workout.  I just don’t really like exerting myself too much, which is crappy to say but this is all about honesty, right?

Making matters worse, I eat terribly.  I really do eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.  I eat portions that are the same size as my husbands.  I’ll eat huge bowls of pasta.  I love eating while I read and I’ll just snack without realizing how much I am taking in.  I just have no shame when it comes to food.  I love it, I love the taste of it, and it makes me feel good.  Really, I am lucky that I don’t weigh a lot more than I do!  My eating habits are awful.

I am ashamed to say that my willpower plays a huge part in this.  I can’t tell you how many times I have looked in the mirror or looked down at my stomach as I sit in bed at night, and say to myself, “I have had enough!  Starting tomorrow, I am working out more, and I won’t eat like crap!”  Famous last words, right?  The next day comes and sometimes I can’t even make myself eat a decent breakfast.  Even if I get on the treadmill and eat well until lunch, I’ll inevitably get hungry in the afternoon and blow it.  I am sort of embarrassed to even type these words because I feel like a failure.

Part of my issue is that there is no accountability.  No one to hold me to it and make me follow some damn rules.  I remember when I competed for Miss America, I had a goal in mind.  I knew my ass was gonna be up on that stage, and I wanted to look good.  Going on stage in a swimsuit in front of millions is some sort of motivation, let me tell you. 

I’ve decided that, obviously, just saying I will lose weight or promising to “start the next day” just ain’t gonna cut it.  I have to admit that I am not strong enough, or that it isn’t a compelling reason for me to get up and start losing.  So I’ve developed a new plan.

I am going to make a post on this blog every week updating my weight loss journey.  It shall be called Thin Thursday.  (I was originally going to call it Fat Friday, but why not Be Positive! and start with a title that help me Visualize My Success!  rather than Focus on the Negative! blah blah psychobabble blah).

But here is the kicker.  Every week, I will honestly report my current weight.  It will be here, in black and white, for everyone to see.  That includes my husband, my family, friends, and former coworkers.  This is something that scares the crap out of me, but I am going to do it.

And to really make me stick with it?  Eight weeks from now, I am posting a picture of myself on this blog, in a swimsuit.  A full body photo.  (Hold me.) (I am fucking crazy.) I may not look perfect, but dammit, I will look better than I do right now.  Nothing makes you lose your appetite like the thought of public humiliation, right? 

My ultimate goal is to get back to 125 or 130 lbs.  I may not end up looking like I used to back in the Miss America days…

but something like this, the way I looked when we got married, would be pretty fricking nice.

So that’s it.

Current Weight:  146 pounds.

Weeks until swimsuit reveal: 8

Wish me luck.

I graduated high school in 1998.  TEN years ago.  It’s hard to believe it has been that long, because it sure doesn’t feel like it’s been ten years.

I had a bit of a reality check today, though, when I returned to my old high school.

Background to this:  I did a lot of singing when I was in school… I was in a couple of choirs, I did all the musicals, and I sang with our high school jazz band.  It was a BIG.DEAL to sing with the jazz band, because they were the cool, hot guys who could make you swoon with their sexy tunes.  (In retrospect, how predictable was that?) I was a band groupie, especially because my high school boyfriend was a sax player in the band.   

So, when the jazz band director asked me to be the only vocalist to join them in singing a few numbers at their many concerts, I jumped at the chance.  I was so nervous to perform with them, but it was always fun and I truly enjoyed being part of the group.  When my boyfriend and I broke up at the end of my junior year, it was even more fun, because hello!  Hot jazz band guys, and single me!  Whooo hoooo! 

Anywho, I happened to see the band teacher a couple of months ago and we exchanged contact info.  I came home one day to a message from him, asking if I was interested in pulling out the old vocals again.  The jazz band is doing a benefit concert at my high school to raise money for the music program, and they were inviting a select few alumni to perform in the concert.  I was so excited!

(I also wondered if my old ex would be there… haven’t seen him in years… but he wasn’t invited. What?  I was curious… don’t say you wouldn’t be, too!)

So, I went to practice with the band during their classtime today, and it was so weird being back in my old high school.  Things pretty much look the same, but there were a few subtle changes.  More locks on the doors, more security measures.  Pretty much par for the course in today’s world.  I walked down the familiar hallways and into the old band room… where I came face to face with… a bunch of babies! I mean, these kids in the band now look so young to me!  Did we look that young back then?  We must have, but it’s funny how skewed our perception of reality is.  We thought we were mature… big and bad… but we were just zit faced brats.

Anyway, the rehearsal went well and I tried my best not to  come across as an old lady.  “O-M-G that song was great! KTHXBAI!”  What’s that you say?  The young’uns today don’t sound like that?  Crap. Well, I still maintain they thought I was cool.  For an old lady, that is.

Funny thing about today… I really missed being in the school atmosphere.  It made me think that some of my (potential) career plans may be a good fit for me.  Not sure if I’ve mentioned, but I am giving some thought to getting my masters in education and becoming a teacher once my kids are of school age.  Being there today and seeing my old school… meeting some cool kids… it made me look forward to maybe doing that one day.

The concert’s this weekend.  Spent the afternoon scouring stores for a dress that makes me look a. skinny b. not nearly 30 years old and c. like Gisele Bundchen.  Such a miracle was not to be found, but I did find something mildly flattering. 

Check back tomorrow for a new project that I’m starting.  It’s going to be quite the adventure, and you’re going to get to see more of me than you might want to!  ‘Til then… ciao!

I just walked into the bathroom to see why Aiden had walked in there and was being so quiet.

Um, I forgot to put the lid on the toilet down.

And he had taken one of his washcloths off the side of the tub.

And he had dipped the washcloth in the toilet water.

And he was sucking on the washcloth.

(And, no, I was not playing on the internet while he did this.  Geez, stop looking at me with those raised eyebrows!  I mean, I might not be perfect, but I was at least cleaning the house while he went to suck down toilet juice!  And I had flushed the toilet, so it was clean water.  Clean as toilet water can be, I suppose)

I recently started using Google Reader.  And, oh my god, why didn’t any of you tell me to do this before?  I’m in love. 

You know how I used to read updates to the many blogs I like?  By saving each blog as a favorite and clicking on each and every link.  No wonder I felt like I was spending way too much time on my laptop, because duh!  I was!

And, not that it was your fault or anything, because I am the least consistent blogger out there, but I’d get disappointed when I’d click on a blog and the author hadn’t updated!  And here I was looking at the same post I’d seen the last 20 times I compulsively checked the website.  The nerve of these people!  Living their lives and neglecting to update their blogs! I need entertainment!

So, um.  Google reader!  Loves it.  It, like, keeps track of all the blogs you love, and notifies you when someone posted something new!  And when you finish reading, you can make the entry as “read” so you don’t have to read it again, and can get all organized!  (I think I sound a bit like the grandma who spends an hour telling you about this neat new thing called the comp-you-terr where you can send letters to people WITHOUT STAMPS called eee-mail.  Dadgum, what will they think of next? )

I must say I get a little thrill when I have finished reading everything on my Reader and I’m completely up to date.  ZERO tasks to complete.  It’s pristine.  Pure.  No loose ends!  And then, PANIC!  Because what will I read now??  Must resort to surfing random celebrity gossip websites.  What’s that you say?  Oh, yeah.  My kid can entertain himself.  He’s cool.  Just throw a cookie and a sippy cup at him and he’ll be fine.

Anyway, if you haven’t signed yourself up for Google Reader, I’d say try it out!  It keeps you organized, you won’t miss out on mucho importante updates from your favorite bloggers (ahem… me… cough) and you’ll have more time to do other stuff.  Like play with your kid.  Or, read gossip websites.   Whatever floats your boat.

Well, imagine my surprise when I realized that I never wrote Aiden’s 10 month letter, and now it’s nearly time for me to write his 11 month missive.  Oops, sorry about that, little guy.  It’s a testament to just how busy we’ve been, I suppose. 

But, no time like the present!  Let’s reflect on what a big month TEN was for you, Aiden. 

The biggest achievement?  You started WALKING all by yourself!  At first it was just a few tentative steps, but every day you would venture a little farther.  You love walking and I can tell you love the independence.

Month 10 saw three teeth cutting through your poor little gums.  The two upper front chompers, as well as another tooth on your upper gums. 

The month marked our first family vacation.  You had a good time, and so much happened during that week… you learned how to wave, you rode an airplane for the first time, and you had your first visit to the beach.  Unfortunately the worst of your teething happened on our vacation, but you soldiered through it and did pretty well.  This trip was special because so many of our family members went (a dozen of us!) and everyone enjoyed showering you with special attention.

 With that, I’ll post a few photos from the trip!

After much fussing and demanding from the kid, Mama gives in to Aiden and lets him drink some of her margarita.  (just joking!)

Smiley.  (And you can see his lumpy gums where those two top teeth are cutting through)

First time on the beach, and Aiden is not.a.fan.

Daddy and his snorkeling equipment are soooo funny.

Dressed for dinner in his Hawaiian shirt and baby Crocs.  I think I might die from the cuteness.

Hanging out on the ship with his great grandfather.

Rockin’ out with his cool shades.

The three of us on the formal night.  Aiden’s in a little tuxedo!

If you want to see all of the family vacation pics (I warn you: there are a crapton of them!)  go here.

The Biggest Loser!  Ali won!! I love her.  But she’s making me feel like a big fat slob now.  Girl’s down to like 120 pounds and she did it so fast!  And she kicked Roger’s boo-tay, didn’t she?  Love it.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again.  I really need to get off my lazy ass and lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight.  It’s not that much, but come on!  Lazy cookie eating treadmill hating internet surfing fatty woman!  Get with it.  (Does it really do any good to publicly name-call and yell at… yourself?  I have no idea).

~~~~~~

American Idol.  I’m mad at you for ditching Michael Johns last week, but I didn’t really mind that Kristy Lee got the boot tonight.  I was just bored with her.  Loving David Cook.  David Archuleta has a beautiful voice but if I hear one more power ballad I am going to scream.  He seems sweet but sort of like an awkward little singing robot.  And can I just say that something about Jason Castro brings out the lovestruck teenager in me?  I don’t normally dig dreads but my god, those eyes.  Sigh.  I want to move to Hawaii with him and make him sing little folksy ditties to me all day on the beach.

~~~~~

Dancing With the Stars.  This season’s sort of boring.  I mean, Kristi Yamaguchi is sweet and cute, but I do think her performance and experience as an ice skater helps her.  She has had previous movement training that makes her graceful and especially helps her upper body look great.  It’s almost anticlimactic every week… you know she’s gonna kick everyone’s asses, you know?  But I heart Mark Ballas and would like to have him along for the ride in Hawaii with me and Jason Castro (see above).  Kinky, kinky!

Don’t really care that Priscilla Presley got kicked off.  Her plastic surgery was scary… did you see her in the close ups?  Yikes.

~~~~~

And finally, Rock of Love 2.  THE FINALE!  I love this fricking show.  I dunno if Ambre was really a perfect match for Bret, but thank god he didn’t pick skank ho Daisy.  He kept saying how hot she was but I just want to give her a bath.  And then dip her in bleach.  And then put her in quarantine.  As for Ambre being the chosen one, well, when do ya think Rock of Love 3 is gonna hit the airwaves?

~~~~~

Next up on my reality playlist.  Miss Rap Supreme on VH1.  Bwa ha ha.  A bunch of rappin’ biatches live in a house together and try to become rap royalty.  And one of them is Khia… you may not recognize her name but you must know her old song… “My neck, my back, my &#@*! and my crack.”  (Mom, if you read this, I hope you don’t know that song.)  I know it’s gross, but I love that tune.  Brings out the bad girl in me.  At least it used to, back when I’d go dancing at the clubs.  Now I just stay home and wipe up baby drool.  And clean the toilets.  While wearing nursing bras.  (What the hell has happened to me?  Where did I disappear to?) Ah, the fall from grace.  Hurts like a mo fo.

I’m out.   

I’m sitting here typing and figured, why the hell not post to the blog?  After all, Aiden’s occupied here in the office while I’m on the computer.  He’s pulling all the books off the shelves and operating as my own personal paper shredder.  And he takes his job seriously.  Yesterday he spit up a little and it contained bits of paper.  Can’t you tell I am the most watchful and attentive mother ever? 

So anyway.  I haven’t figured out the specifics of my potential garden yet.  I have some issues to resolve (like selecting a site that won’t get trampled on by dogs, and prepping our shiteous soil).  So until I get that figured out, I am CONTAINER GARDENING! 

Check it out.

Ooh, pretty containers.

Ooh, packets of seeds!

But I have a dumb question.  Does one seed equal one plant?  I know, I am probably an idiot but I remember my teacher saying there is no such thing as a stupid question.  NEWSFLASH!  There most certainly is.   But does 1 seed = 1 plant?  And if so, how many of these suckers can I squeeze into a pot?

Sophie is understandably skeptical about the future garden’s survival at the hands of her intrepid mistress.

Oh!  And I just read that these things need to grow for at least 60 days before you can harvest the herb??  That means I need to keep them alive for at least two months?  Now I’m skeptical too.